I think that it is getting better and easier and then bam! It is back and once again I find myself crying in the middle of the day.
The worst part is this is not some recent loss. My mum died over three years ago now and although the gaps between the grief are extending the depth of feeling or perhaps the rawness of the feeling is just as intense as the day she died.
I know today it was watching Scarlett playing with her tea set and making up little conversations with her toys that set me off. My Mum would have just loved Scarlett and it really upsets me that she has missed out on her granddaughter. It upsets me even more that Scarlett has missed out on having a Nana. I was super close to my Nana (my Mum's Mum) and she lived to be 94 so I got a really long lasting relationship with her. She taught me to cross stitch and do tapestry, play cards and bake. She even took me in when I was expelled from boarding school and had nowhere to live for my last year of high school. We had a wonderful year living together, although all her baking and delicious dinners did nothing for either of our waist lines. I wish Scarlett could have just a little of that experience but it is not something she will be blessed with.
I miss you Mum.
Fortunately Scarlett knows just what to do when she can see I am unhappy. She climbed up onto my lap and rubbed my back. "Happy now Mama?" she asked. "Wuv you much."