Monday, 16 January 2012

Grief is a sneaky blighter

I think that it is getting better and easier and then bam! It is back and once again I find myself crying in the middle of the day.

The worst part is this is not some recent loss. My mum died over three years ago now and although the gaps between the grief are extending the depth of feeling or perhaps the rawness of the feeling is just as intense as the day she died.

I know today it was watching Scarlett playing with her tea set and making up little conversations with her toys that set me off. My Mum would have just loved Scarlett and it really upsets me that she has missed out on her granddaughter. It upsets me even more that Scarlett has missed out on having a Nana. I was super close to my Nana (my Mum's Mum) and she lived to be 94 so I got a really long lasting relationship with her. She taught me to cross stitch and do tapestry, play cards and bake. She even took me in when I was expelled from boarding school and had nowhere to live for my last year of high school. We had a wonderful year living together, although all her baking and delicious dinners did nothing for either of our waist lines. I wish Scarlett could have just a little of that experience but it is not something she will be blessed with.

I miss you Mum.

Fortunately Scarlett knows just what to do when she can see I am unhappy. She climbed up onto my lap and rubbed my back. "Happy now Mama?" she asked. "Wuv you much."
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6 comments:

  1. Caroline16 January 2012 at 16:10

    I feel for you, my Papa passed just over 3 years ago and he was more like my father and a best friends, it was the worst day in my life and i don't think i will EVER get over it. I think of him daily but some days something too will set me off and i will just cry so much. I was lucky though that Lucy had 2 years with him so she knows her great granpa and still remembers him well, especially as i talk about him a lot, which helps. He passed just before we moved to NZ ...

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    1. Claire T17 January 2012 at 14:40

      Thanks for sharing your story Caz. It is funny the smalll things that set it off. It is so nice that Lucy has some memories of someone so special to you. We made an extra effort to film and take lots of pictures of Scarlett with my remaining set of grandparents when we were back this time to keep the memory fresh.

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  2. Ursula Schneider17 January 2012 at 00:05

    aw, I'm sorry Claire. I know that feeling. My sister died 20 years ago and it still hits me sometimes. I just miss all that could have been, much like you. Hugs friend.

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    1. Claire T17 January 2012 at 14:42

      Thanks Ursula! I cannot imagine what losing a sibling must be like. It is is the would've, could've, should'ves that are the hardest. I think I just have to be kind to myself and realise that losing a parent is about as stressful as it gets and Tet and I lost three in 19 months. I appreciate your kind words, Ursula.

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  3. Sasha Farina17 January 2012 at 09:07

    oh Claire.. I'm so sorry girl. So very sorry.. we should get together soon so I can give you a real, bear hug!

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    1. Claire T17 January 2012 at 14:45

      Thanks Sasha! I am all for meeting up! Let me know what is likely to work best for you. We are pretty flexible here. Depending on whether you want the monkey involved I can do days or evenings. Can't wait to see you IRL.

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